I hate my life. Have you ever wished you were just not born? Not created? Not breathing and taking up what you consider wasted space? I often find myself wondering just what life would be like without me in it. Yea yea yea, I know, watch the movie It's a Wonderful Life. Yea yea yea, all happy happy and things working out in the end. Yea, sure it does. I'm not believing that much these days. I don't see any guardian angel hovering over my shoulder to get me out of this messy life and showing me how terrible things would be with me not there. Sorry Hollywood, it just ain't believable.

Where did my life go? Where did my mind go? Where did my heart, soul, brain, and backbone go? I've lost these many many years ago and haven't the foggiest idea how to retrieve them, let alone put them to use. I just want to curl up under a rock somewhere and die. Like an empty peanut shell with no purpose in life other than to feed the earth. I want to feed the earth.

I want to write more, but don't. I sit here awaiting the arrival of the man I am currently living with, uncertain when he will return, and I don't want this to be up when he comes home. I havae homework to do, but no more feel like doing it than fly to Jupiter. (Everyone says the moon, so I thought to choose something else.) I want this man out of my life. I want out of my life. I own a house that I can't afford to keep. This man is unemployed and seems to not want to work as he doesn't seem to be seriously searching to find anything. I have been drowning in debt for months and months and months and just continue to go down deeper. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There isn't even a tunnel. I feel the noose tightening around my neck, choaking what little air I have left, and I feel like I want to succumb.

My family have all but disowned me for being with this man. I encountered some very troubling issues with him in the past as well as constant fights, and did end up having him thrown out by the police, but some how, some way allowed contact to be maintained and he crept back into my life without me being able to be firm enough to say no. No backbone. No brain. Now he's here, and I want him gone and I don't have the balls, backbone, strength or fight to do it. I feel nothing. I tell him I love him, but I feel nothing. I am numb. I am cold. I am uninterested. I am dead.